I try not to blog about negative things. I don’t like to complain about my husband or when my kids aggravate me. Yeah, I complained about breastfeeding pain and not having enough sleep. But the real aggravations? The stuff that keeps me up at night and worried during my quiet moments? I really don’t even like to talk about those things.
I wrote a post yesterday about how disobedient Lydia had been that day. It was one of those motherhood-stinks-roll-my-eyes-at-my-kids posts. But I couldn’t post it because I DO NOT WANT TO BE ONE OF THOSE MOTHERS. I love being a mom. I love raising my kids. And I don’t want to get exasperated at my children. I don’t want to be counting down the days until they go to kindergarten.
Lydia has always been obedient. She’s compliant. She was my first and I thought she was perfect. Well, mostly perfect. I’ve spanked her. I’ve seen her try to manipulate us. I know she’s not perfect. But yesterday was the worst it’s ever been. I felt like I was having an argument with a 13 year old rebellious teenager.
My Lydia.
My heart broke a little last night. I’m not going to tell you the whole story because honestly, I don’t know if I did the right thing. I never dreamed my sweet little baby girl could act so horribly toward me. So this morning after possibly the worst night of my life, I got Lydia out of bed and cuddled her. I spoke softly to her about the night before. And I could sense her remorse.
But the rest of the day I felt like I was with someone I didn’t know. I felt like my little Lydia hidden a part of herself from me. It’s the first time I felt disconnected from her. Separated from her.
That’s what sin does. It separates us. When we sin it separates from our Heavenly Father. And I’ve always known this. Taught this. But I assumed it was our Heavenly Father who was looking at us like, “Tsk, Tsk. You’re sinning, I can’t be with you, minion.”
Today I realized I was wrong. The separation is on MY side. When I sin, I choose to love and hold and cherish that disobedience and selfishness instead of honoring my relationship with God. And it’s not ME that feels the pull, it’s God. God is the one that feels the little drawbridge pulled up, the door closed and the book slammed shut. He’s the one that’s missing knowing my whole heart. HE misses ME.
All day long I’ve been thinking about how I should fix this situation with Lydia. What should I say? How should I react when she disobeys again? What does she need? What am I missing? Where do I start? I even picked up a parenting book. I’m basically sick to my stomach about my daughter’s bad behavior…but even more upset about her heart. Words and actions are just the overflow of the heart.
I know my daughter is only 3. I know her disobedience isn’t going to turn her into a serial killer or a bank robber. I know these thoughts I’m having are just on my side. I may be reading into her behavior. But I also know how quickly time goes. In only ten years, she WILL be 13. I want to spend these next ten years wooing her. Knowing her. Showering her with love.
Just like I’m spending every waking second trying to woo her back to an open relationship with me, God does the same thing to us. He is the Relentless Lover. He wants only to know us and enjoy us and shower us with love.
The pain I feel right now is a revelation to the relationship between God and me. I just pray I can show the same love God showed me to my own daughter. Love from the Relentless Lover seeking His first love.
That’s so true. I always compare God to different relationships in my life because most of the time it’s the only way that I can understand Him. Every time I’m hurt in a relationship I always think about how much more God must hurt when I do the same thing to him all the time.
That’s also one of my fears about parenting (even though it is a ways off still). Lydia is just 3 but one day she will be 13. I think I’m scared of the day with my kids stop talking to me and start keeping secrets from me and all I can do is give them to God.
I’m totally with you. My daughter is almost 3 and we have had some days lately that shook me because I never knew she could have so much anger and disobedience. BUT, then I remind myself that she is human. I know how selfish and angry my heart can be at times, I just disguise it better:) That does not make it right, I must steer her in the right direction but I must have my heart right first in order to be a good parent.
I feel like I’m on the same journey right now that you are and God has been showing me how important it is for me to model a godly life for my children more than anything. I can teach them and discipline and exhort them but they need to see Christ in my life more than anything.
I’ll be praying for you too on this journey. I now realize that the first few years of their life are truly precious and much easier (minus the sleep loss) because I could control everything to a degree. I’m cherishing every day with my little boy and hope you are too because the innocence doesn’t last.
Oh, Amanda – I have a feeling the kids are going to break our hearts over and over – all we can do is rest in Him, and as you said, woo them every second of every day.
Hugs Amanda.
Three is hard. Really, really hard.
It will get better. I know it will because I have been there twice before. Each day with my now(now) 3-year-old is a day of wonder and sometimes headaches. Each day I love him more though and he will show me that love in return. It may not be everyday but when he does, it is amazing and fulfillig. I know you know what I mean. Every bad thing can be erased by a hug from that little person.
Have faith. It will get better.
p.s. I am going to email you here in a bit. I need your help with something… if you don’t mind.
.-= Stefany´s last blog ..Not My Child Monday =-.
Hugs, sweetie! I have so been there. The disconnected fog from it can last a little while, but you will get your little girl back soon (but, um, it’ll happen again… sorry!)
It sounds like you are doing exactly what God intended you to do with these emotions: taking them to the cross and learning from them, and you will be a better mommy for it.
.-= Jodi´s last blog ..VBS Round-Up =-.
Oh Amanda. Life is SO hard sometimes! I’m praying for godly wisdom for you and your parenting. I know HE is working through you and using you in so many ways in your beautiful children. It is awesome how HE shows you so very much through THEM as well. You are doing an amazing, admirable job. I’m so very proud of you. Love you!
.-= KAT´s last blog ..Guess Who I Ran Into at Church Today????? =-.
parenting is the hardest job ever, there are good days and bad days, days you want to sing from the rooftops about how wonderful and fun it is and days when you want to pull your hair out and quit. I know you mentioned you had a parenting book, but I wanted to recommend “don’t make me count to three- a mom’s look at heart-oriented discipline,” I am currently reading it and it is so good and a very godly, wise, wonderful mom recommended it to me, it is about dealing with the heart when it comes to discipline and uses scriptures to encourage and reproof. hang in there.
.-= sarah´s last blog ..11 months of Lily =-.
Amanda, I’m sitting here in tears for you – because I’ve been there twice before and am living it now with Annie. Be encouraged that just as we eventually return to a right relationship with God, Lydia will return to you. And Jodi is correct…it will happen again (just like we sin again…and again…and again). There’s nothing like being a parent that has made me realize better how God loves us. I will find myself admonishing or reproving my children for something and realize, “You do the EXACT same thing to GOD!”
I second Sarah’s recommendation of Ginger Plowman’s book, Don’t Make Me Count to Three. Also, if you haven’t already read it – Ted Tripp’s book, Shepherding a Child’s Heart is excellent. Both books are about heart-oriented discipline – and man, they’ll get YOUR heart while teaching you how to help your little ones (especially Tripp’s book). It’s NEVER too early to parent her with the Gospel. This may be the perfect opening for you, friend. 🙂 Nothing will drive you to your knees like parenting…I’m there with ya!
.-= Gina´s last blog ..Our Infertility Journey – part Five =-.
“Tsk, Tsk. You’re sinning, I can’t be with you, minion.”
That line tore at my heart because that’s so often how I view God. I never knew that becoming a parent meant everything about my perception of God would be radically challenged and changed but yet it keeps happening over and over again, thanks to little moments like this post. Thanks for sharing.
.-= Katie @ Heart Gone Walking´s last blog ..It’s like Brad Paisley took the words right out of my mouth =-.
Three must just be the age. I could have described my son just the same way, and then when he turned three (and we happened to have just added a sister to the mix), things got ugly. I was feeling so guilty all the time because my claws were out to protect new baby and my temper was short b/c of lack of sleep, so I know I added fuel to the fire of his anger often. It was a rough time…you just have to say out loud sometimes, “She’s really a good girl.” What a beautiful connection to our Father’s love for us – I’ve often thought about how frustrating I make His parenting job!
.-= Katie @ Kitchen Stewardship´s last blog ..Mental Mission: Boldness in the Kitchen and Aluminum =-.
Parenting issues cause me more worry than anything else. I just want to do everything right and I never ever feel like I know that I am.
I love your analogy to their disobedience and our sin that separates us from our Heavenly Father….it’s so true.
.-= Monica @ DailyDwelling´s last blog ..Mommy Playdate Cards =-.
So so true! Wog has had some pretty horrid moments over the last few months and it’s really broken my heart. I never really stopped to think of how it relates to God’s parenting. I think I’ve been in time out for a while now. 🙂
Thanks for the much needed reminder } to you. And you’re sweet Lydia!
.-= Brandi´s last blog ..Disconnected: A List =-.
I remember hearing a christian therapist say that marriage goes through stages much like that of an teenager with parents. Pulling away to find their own identity. I remember when I could feel Amanda pulling away from me and sensing that her friends were the ones she was sharing her problems with instead of me. I have felt that tug away from them at different ages and the urge they have to be separate, but they always seem to come back. I think you handled it really well, maybe God gives us these little doses when they are little to prepare us for what is to come. Amanda leaves for college in less than one month. My baby. It’s so weird… it seems like yesterday she was three like your little Lydia and I had little Bailey, the sweetest baby ever. But I look at her and she is so smart and beautiful, and has such good morals… and when I look in her room to see if she is sleeping when I wake up and see her bible laying beside her where she fell asleep reading it my heart is happy.
.-= annie´s last blog ..wordy wednesday. =-.
“I want to spend these next ten years wooing her. Knowing her. Showering her with love.” I needed to read this today, this week. I think I take my son’s disobedience too personally. Sometimes, I’m angry with him all day. Sometimes even the next day too! Thanks for the reminder.
.-= Holly at Tropic of Mom´s last blog ..Ocean kayaks =-.
What a great post. I’m a relatively new dad, (my oldest little guy is just 2) so my discipling skills are somewhat un-honed. To compensate, I’ve been praying a lot along the lines of what you’ve written here.
I try to keep my discipline as (for the lack of a better word) un-adherent from the rest of my day with him as possible. I try to convey that he’s disappointed me, and that his behavior needs correction, but once he’s done his punishment and has said he’s sorry I try to drop the issue. There’s no use in my harboring a grudge — once he’s moved on from that action, he needs me to be the well rounded dad again, and I can’t be that if I’m huffing and puffing under my breath.
I like to think, to some extent, this is how God thinks of disciplining me…
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I’m so sorry for your pain. I have felt the same crushing feeling as a mom. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and reflections on how it relates to our relationship with our Heavenly Father. Very insightful and true. Best wishes for healing and joy.