Thank you so much for all the great response to my first I Want to Be Wilder post. I’m so glad to see it struck a nerve—or rather that it revealed so many kindred spirits. Please keep commenting, I’d love for this to be a spot of like-minded people trying to figure it out together!
One of my favorite stories in Farmer Boy happens on Independence Day. Almanzo’s cousin buys a cup of lemonade for 5 cents and dares Almanzo to ask his father for a nickel to buy his own lemonade. Almanzo fearfully asks his father and…
Father looked at him a long time. Then he took out his wallet and opened it, and slowly he took out a round, big silver half-dollar. He asked:
“Almanzo, do you know what this is?”
“Half a dollar,” Alamnzo answered.
“Yes. But do you know what half a dollar is?”
Almanzo didn’t know it was anything but half a dollar.
“It’s work, son,” Father said. “That’s what money is; it’s hard work.”
Mr. Paddock chuckled. “The boy’s too young, Wilder, he said. “You can’t make a youngster understand that.”
“Almanzo’s smarter than you think,” said Father…
“You know how to raise potatoes, Almanzo?”
“Yes,” Almanzo said.
“Say you have a seed potato in the spring, what do you do with it?”
“You cut it up, ” Almanzo said.
“Go on, son.”
“Then you harrow–first you manure the field, and plow it. Then you harrow, and mark the ground. and plant the potatoes, and plow them, and hoe them. You plow and hoe them twice.”
“That’s right son. And then?”
“Then you dig them and put them down cellar.”
“Yes. Then you pick them over all winter; you throw out all the little ones and the rotten ones. Come spring, you load them up and haul them here to Malone, and you sell them. And if you get a good price, son, how much do you get to show for all that work? How much do you get for a half a bushel of potatoes?”
“Half a dollar,” Almanzo said.
“Yes,” said Father. “That’s what in this half-dollar, Almanzo. The work that raised half a bushel of potatoes is in it.”
Almanzo looked at the round piece of money that Father held up. It looked small, compared with all that work.
Mr. Wilder gives Almanzo the half-dollar and tells him he can use it to buy lemonade and “drink it away” or he can buy a sucking pig with it and raise it and sell the babies for $4 each. When Almanzo brings the half-dollar back to show his friends, they are shocked. And what does Almanzo do? He looks around for a pig.
I was going to talk about the future in this post. I love that Almanzo understands the seasons and the work that is involved in planting and reaping potatoes; in raising a pig and its babies. But as I was talking to my husband about Almanzo’s story, something else popped out to me. We might get back to the future and the long-term vision I want my kids to have but today we’re going to focus on believing the best about our kids.
When Mr. Wilder was explaining the value of a half-dollar to Almanzo, Mr. Paddock just laughed and brushed him off, “He’s too young.” Mr. Wilder could have agreed with him. He could have said, “Yeah, you’re right. Have a nickel. Go buy some lemonade.” Instead he said, “No. My son is smarter than you think.” Mr. Wilder was thinking about what his son was actually capable of. He believed his NINE YEAR OLD was old enough to see the difference between the temporary pleasure of lemonade (and affirmation from his friends) to the long-term reward of raising a pig on his own and actually earning money from it.
As parents today I think we brush their kids off and believe, “Kids will be kids.” or “She’s just a child.” or “He’ll understand one day.” We lay out our kids clothes and help them lace their shoes. We put food on their plates and whisk the plate away the second their last bite is ingested. We do their homework, stand under the slide and introduce them to the friends we want them to have. It’s the helicopter parent syndrome. But it’s more than that. We shield them from hurt, from failure and disappointment. We allow them to live in a bubble of perfection and instantaneous results.
I’m all for watching my kids at the pool and making them wear pads and helmets. I want to protect them from bad influences and rough examples. But I don’t want to be the parent who sets my kid up for failure and disappointment because their only experience is the crutch of a doting mom and dad.
When Lydia turned 4 we took her to a Create-a-Puppet Workshop at the Center for Puppetry Arts. While we were putting our puppets together (under the instruction of a very capable guide), the father across the table from us was meticulously putting together his son’s puppet. The boy was older than Lydia and obviously capable of gluing on foam pieces and coloring a puppet’s face. This father apparently didn’t want to see his son’s puppet look like a 5 year old made it so with every move, he’d hold his child’s hand and place the glue in the “correct” spot and lead his son to put the button in the “right” spot for an eye or nose.
After watching them out of the corner of my eye, I quickly stood back from Lydia and let her make her puppet however she wanted. And you know what? It wasn’t very cute. I don’t think it had all the facial features it should have. The little boy’s puppet was much better looking. But my daughter thought her puppet was amazing. She named her something amazing like, “Foof” and we were off…my daughter leaving with a puppet AND a sense of accomplishment and creativity.
Now, I’m not advocating unschooling or let-your-kids-discover-whatever-they-want. It’s important that kids learn to color in the lines. But it is not necessary for them to color in MY lines. The idea is to give kids the step up, the boost and the belief that they have the ability to make good decisions on their own!
I recently heard an interview with Dr. Leman, author of Have a New Kid by Friday. His 16 year old daughter called him and said, “My friends want to go get pizza. What time should I be home tonight?” He replied, “At a reasonable hour.” She said, “What does that mean? Just tell me. What time?” He said again, “At a reasonable time.” She continued to ask for a specific hour and he continued to respond with “be reasonable”.
He finallyย hung up the phone and allowed her to grow up a little. If she did choose 3am as her reasonable time, think of the great conversation she and her father could have about responsibility and respect. As opposed to a “You were two minutes late. What do you have to say for yourself?”
Dr. Lehman gave his daughter the benefit of the doubt and let her know he was giving it to her. She could have failed (which would have been a learning experience) or she could step up to the plate and be responsible and respectful and act like an adult. I love this!
I don’t want to be a helicopter parent about the jungle gym or making a craft. But that is immaterial in comparison to being a helicopter about faith issues, moral choices and responsible decisions. I want my kids to know I trust them AND to know that they have the ability to make decisions beyond their years. To make choices that are more mature than their peers.
Yes, even at 4 years old!
Practically speaking this means I’m giving up control on some issues sooner than I want. It means to stop being the controlling perfect parent and letting my kids handle something they might break, say something that might be wrong, respond to someone in the worst way. Then I have to pay more attention to their heart. I have to make everything a teachable moment. It’s less control on the front end, but more on the back. How much easier would it have been for Mr. Wilder to give Almanzo a nickel? Instead he gave him a half dollar and then had to deal with a 9 year old raising a pig. There was MORE for Mr. Wilder to do and parent by having his child step up!
In essence, this is the idea that I’m setting my kids up to do hard things at their level. I’m helping them understand what God tells us in Romans 5:3-4 says, “we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.”
What, Amanda?! You want your kids to suffer?! You want them to do hard things? Yes. Yes, I do. I want them to experience it on an age appropriate level and not in an extreme. But I want them to experience it from the mindset that they can overcome! That they are more than winners! That they can do anything! Not because their crutch of a mom has helped them do everything. But because their mom has empowered them. Because their parents have believed in them. Because their parents have let them try and fail. Because they have been shown the tools to step up, to do better and to take responsibility.
I want my son to look at a half dollar and see a pig, not a glass of lemonade.
:: :: ::
See the whole of the I WANT TO BE WILDER series:
Introduction
Part 1: Believing the Best About Your Kids
Part 2: Serving Others
Part 3: The Choice of Freedom
Part 4: Putting Off A Hard Thing
Tracey says
That portion of Farmer Boy has always spoken to me as a parent, but I don’t think I understood why until now! What a gift to give your child – your faith and trust in their ability to make right decisions and your support and encouragment when they fail. Looking forward to more of this series!
.-= Tracey´s last blog ..The Simple Things =-.
Nicole says
Loved this post! I am sooo guilty of shielding my kids & ‘helping’ them with their projects…ugh, this striving for perfection is a burden that I do not wish to pass on to them. I think being ‘wilder’ is way more fun!
Kaden, my oldest son, dreams of being a farmer & I ordered The Farmer Boy series for him – thanks so much for mentioning it. =o)
Shelly @ Life on the Wild Side says
This is absolutely beautiful! And your last line says it all. Just this morning I put my middle daughter (age 16) on a bus to camp where she will serve (cleaning toilets, mowing grass, etc.) for 8 weeks. I am so thankful to have kids who are willing to do hard things. Keep doing what you’re doing and don’t give up!
(I’ll be linking to you later this week!)
.-= Shelly @ Life on the Wild Side´s last blog ..Ready for Change? =-.
Leah says
I need more practical examples. I often let my 13yo son do what he wants and he chooses irresponsibility or indulgence each time. Sometimes I preface with words of encouragement and warning, sometimes I just say nothing and see how long he chooses to stay up and watch TV. It seems consistent that he chooses the worse thing and our subsequent conversation doesn’t change the choices next time. So, maybe I supported him too long, or maybe I don’t hande the next-day conversation well, or maybe it is his personality and I should just keep at it. But I am sure he would choose the lemonade because I see him doing so. It’s frustrating when I want to be Wilder and not sure what to do when he doesn’t “surprise Mr. Paddok”.
Mary @ Giving Up on Perfect says
Amanda, that’s great. And so darned challenging! ๐ Seriously, this is something I already see my husband and I struggling with. Our instinct is to hover and hold and protect every little move Annalyn makes. But we KNOW it’s not what is best for her. We’re trying to step back and let her make her own good choices (or bad ones. I know she’ll make some bad ones.). But wow, it is HARD!
.-= Mary @ Giving Up on Perfect´s last blog ..Under attack! =-.
Clistyb says
I get this. It’s difficult. My kids’ science projects look like chicken scratch. And when I took my (very young) 6 year old to a tile painting fundraiser, her tile was the most unrecognizable. It now lays cemented in the floor in the childrens section of Nordstrom. And each time I see it my stomach turns as I remember sitting on my hands while she ‘created’.
It’s the hardest part of parenting for me.
Joanna @ Starving Student Survivor says
Teaching kids to make good choices and understand that every choice has a consequence is such an important part of parenting. I appreciate your view on the matter. I try to teach my child something over and over and over again, and then allow him to make a choice on his own within a controlled situation. Even something as simple as “Pull some clothes out of the drawer and get dressed” has months of preparation behind it. And once he’s done it, I praise him and help him get his pants turned the right way if necessary.
I really need to go to the library to see if they have the Little House series on CD. It’s been literally decades since I read them last.
.-= Joanna @ Starving Student Survivor´s last blog ..Make Your Own Sour Cream =-.
Staci says
Can I photocopy this post and pass it out to all the parents of my students?? Gosh, you’ve hit the nail on the head! I hate to see my 6th graders that don’t know how to THINK for themselves…b/c mom and dad have made all their decisions for them!
.-= Staci´s last blog ..Top Ten Things YOU Should Try =-.
Gina says
And this would be why I allowed my 7 year-old to go stay with her grandparents (one critically ill) for two weeks. I want her to SERVE her grandparents. I also want her to see Grammie taking care of PawPaw, because that’s what “in sickness and in health” means. ๐ My mom and sister often say I don’t allow my kids to “be kids” – being a kid doesn’t mean watching Disney Channel 24/7. ๐ Love, love, love your heart, Amanda!!!!
Jodi Portell says
It’s such a different world we live in. So many families are loosing these core values. Thank you for reminding us Amanda and I love the comments from others toooooo! Serving each other is the best thing we can ever learn. You don’t learn that one thing as a child and you grow up to be a very twisted adult.
.-= Jodi Portell´s last blog ..Oh So Fancy Nancy lavender RUFFLES dress perfect for your little one to dress up as their favorite literary character RTS Ready to ship in size 2/3 by Tinkerella =-.
vanessa says
What a great post! I love this idea–something I strive for, but don’t always achieve.
.-= vanessa´s last blog ..lobster handprint craft =-.
Heather says
This resonates with me and is such a hard line to navigate. I wonder what it is about all our collective childhood experiences that we now run the risk of overparenting? I know I have to loosen up — recently my almost-three-year old didn’t want to bake with me because “it’s not fun.” Probably because I freak out about levelling off the flour and sugar and am constantly warning her not to spill!! Bad Heather! This weekend she’s going to make pancakes, and by golly we are going to eat them. Cement-like though they may be. ๐
.-= Heather´s last blog ..Those Racy Berenstain Bears! =-.
ginabad says
Wow, best parenting blog I’ve read in a long time! This is awesome.
As the mom of 2 kids with learning disabilities (Down syndrome for one, autism for the other), it’s extremely tempting to do everything for them. And, it’s true, that I have to start many tasks with hand-over-hand instruction But then I need to pull back, more and more.
That’s because my ultimate goal for their adult lives is to be productive members of society. I know it’s possible that they may have limitations, and their development is slower than other kids, but I’m putting them out there, I’m fighting for inclusion, and I’m letting them pick themselves up when they fall. I do need to be a bit strict now (they are 4 and 7) because they still have issues with danger and aggression, but I’m working towards independence, for them.
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