When I was in High School I was on a puppetry team. We performed at church and at other places like nursing homes, libraries and more. Every year, we would go to a Puppetry Festival where we would go to workshops and even be judged on our skills. (Did you know puppeteers had skills?)
This year, my mom (a Children’s Pastor) is hosting a Puppetry Festival at her church. My brother, his wife and 3 of my best friends and I are helping her by performing one morning of the festival. We had practice last night. At 6:30pm. I live 45 minutes away from where we were practicing. Meaning I needed to leave at 5:45. My husband knew this. But at 5:55, I emailed him (my phone is on its last leg) with no response. At 6:00 I squeezed a call out of my phone. No response. At 6:10 I threw the kids in the car and started driving.
5 minutes later my husband calls and says, “I forgot. I’m on my way.” Yeah, but he was still 20 minutes away at least. So, I decide to meet him and drop off the kids. While I’m driving, Lydia keeps asking me questions. “Where are we going? Are we going to puppet practice? Are we meeting Daddy? What are we doing? Do I get to see Grandmama? What’s wrong? What happened? What are we doing?”
I was already RIDICULOUSLY aggravated because I hate being late. I felt slighted by my husband for not remembering my schedule. And Atlanta traffic at 6:15pm? UGH.
So, I yelled at her. I said, “DO NOT ASK ME ANY MORE QUESTIONS. YOU DO NOT NEED TO KNOW EVERYTHING.” And for the rest of the ride if I would say something else (usually to a passing crazy driver) she’d say, “What?” And I’d snap, “I SAID DO NOT ASK ANY MORE QUESTIONS.”
I knew I’d hurt her feelings. But I was so aggravated inside I didn’t care. I thought: She’s 4. She should really stop asking questions. I told her several times already what was going on. She should just be quiet and go with the flow. I don’t need to apologize to her when she’s the one disobeying me!
But then I remembered this post from Leigh called When Momma Apologizes. I remembered what Leigh said about how apologizing changes our kids’ behavior and the temperature of our home. I knew it wasn’t Lydia’s fault that I was late. It wasn’t her fault her Daddy forgot about me. It wasn’t her fault we were stuck in traffic. It was MY fault that I was aggravated. And MY fault for yelling at her. MY fault for hurting her feelings.
It took me several minutes of self-talk but I finally said, “Lydia. I’m sorry I yelled at you. I’m very very aggravated that I’m so late and we’re stuck in traffic. But I should have never yelled at you. I’m sorry. I love you.”
And what did she do? Did she cry? Sob? Forgive me? Begin a heart-to-heart conversation? Stop whining?
No. She just said, OK.And she was fine. It was over like that.
Apologies are hard–for the one apologizing. But for the one on the receiving end? It’s healing and welcomed.
Do you need to apologize to your kids?
Oh, girl. I feel ya. I lose my temper with my child more than I care to admit. I hate that about myself. And it’s almost never her fault. As hard as it is for me to say I’m sorry, I do it. And it’s the same. She says she loves me, gives me hug and we move on. I’ve repented for losing my temper more since she was born. God continues to work on me (and I’m thankful!).
The problem is when we yell it probably is b/c of something THEIR fault. That’s why its so easy to justify NOT apologizing. *sigh* Regardless, we have to do it–to heal their hearts and to model it for the future. Parenting is ROUGH! 🙂
a
Tears. Seriously. I have SO BEEN THERE. Of course, mine is now eight and says “Mommy are you mad at me or something else?” That stops you in your tracks.
Proud of you for apologizing. That’s hard.
*shiver* Don’t remind me of 8 years old! *sob*
a
Isn’t it a huge blessing, the grace our children extend to us when we let them?
In moments where I missed the chance to model good behavior, it’s a relief to know I can at least demonstrate the power of an apology.
And maybe when we do this, it will continue so that our kids will ALWAYS be quick to apologize? And ALWAYS quick to forgive? I pray that’s how they are!
a
I have apologized to my 4yo before, with similar results. But you know? I really need to apologize to her more, instead of justifying my poor response to whatever situation has ticked me off at the moment.
So true. I need to be quick to apologize, too.
a
It’s always good to know you’re not the only one in a certain situation. I’ve yelled at my kids, this year more than any other, but they are always so quick to forgive. Apologizing is really hard.
Isn’t it shocking how hard apologizing to them is?
a
Wow, you’ve been writing some doozies recently with these posts!!! God must be working through you to get to my heart!!
Apologizing is so hard! I know I try to justify my anger with my kids which is just ridiculous when I think about it. I’ve had to say I’m sorry to my kids more times than I’d like to admit. And I need to confess the times I didn’t apologize and should have!
On a less serious note….Lydia soooo sounds like my oldest daughter when we’re driving in the car….especially when I am lost!!! I know it’s unkind but I frequently think about the “children should be seen and not heard” saying for driving in the car. I think i need one of those windows the Limos have between the driver and the passengers so I don’t get stressed out. 🙂
Ha! Maybe I’m just being a bad parent lately and God’s having to remind me! 😉
Thanks for the sweet comments. They absolutely encourage me!
Fantastic post! The link leads back here though… are you able to fix it?
Oh, girl, thank you so much for sharing this. I need to go back and re-read that post, too… I have not apologized to my kids like I have needed to recently. love you!
Thank YOU!
I think one of the greatest things we can do for our children when we blow it – is seek their forgiveness. On of my children climbed onto my van (hello?!) in the garage the night before last and popped off one of my windshield wipers in the process. So, when I started my wipers in the icky, misty, cold rain y’day morning, one of my wipers went flying across the road. When she admitted (freely) to climbing on my van, I got on to her and I wouldn’t shut up about how mad she’d made me. I snapped at her for about 3 minutes and then God got a hold of me {thank You, Lord!!} about how UNKIND I was being. I pulled over so I could turn to face her and the other children – asked her to forgive me for being unkind to her with my speech and then asked each of my other children to forgive me for being unkind to {that child’s name}. She just smiled…”Yes, Mommy. I forgive you. I LOVE you.” I cried – sobbed. Hard. Precious, forgiving children. Which reminds me, I snarled at my oldest today for being a backseat driver and I need to seek forgiveness for that.
And then you get there to realize that two people had TOTALLY forgotten about it!! For real – what is up with that?!? I was all prepared for two days later though;) Makes me feel even worse after reading this:(
LOL! Oh, Mandi! It was kinda anti-climactic when I walked in and you guys weren’t there! But at least *I* hadn’t held up the practice for 1/2 hour like I thought I had! 😉