We walked into a drugstore yesterday and sitting directly to our left was a 3 foot tall hooded ghost-spectre-death guy. My daughter covered her eyes and turned away (our always-working-on-being-brave girl) but my son looked at it and said, “We don’t like that guy!” I laughed and said, “You’re right, buddy. We don’t like that guy!”
We’ve never had a conversation about Halloween. Or ghosts or disembodied spirits. But apparently he’s picked up on what we like and don’t like as a family. It’s an unspoken rule that we don’t do Halloween. It’s those little unspoken rules that make your family have that special and unique quirks thing about it.
As a kid, an unspoken rule in our family was that we went to church every week. I never questioned it. It’s just what we did. My parents didn’t drink or smoke, so we didn’t either. We just didn’t do it. There was no arguing–or even thought to argue. We just didn’t do it.
My friend Yancy didn’t date. And it wasn’t because she was restricted from it. It was because their family just didn’t date. Some families don’t say certain words, others eat dinner together every night, while some say, “love you, bye” every time they hand up the phone. THEY JUST DO.
This is a hard rule in parenting. I mean, how do you make these unspoken rules work? How do you make things JUST happen? How do you restrict dating, smoking, potty mouths and more by JUST NOT DOING IT? How do set the culture of your house to be the way you want it?
I’m not 100% sure how this works, of course, but my theory is that it all boils down to belonging. Do your children feel that bungee cord of belonging from their heart to yours? Is your family linked strongly together? When that happens, your heart will become their heart. Your desires will be desirable to them.
Kevin Leman, author of Have a New Kid by Friday, says that belonging is one part of how kids gain self-worth. He relates a story about a 15 year old girl being approached with a cigarette. Her response was, “No thanks. We Crayburns don’t smoke.” That was it. They JUST DIDN’T SMOKE. She felt as if she belonged to her family and it spilled out into her actions.
I know what you’re thinking: “How do I promote belonging in my family?” Well, I’ve got another theory: look at Jesus and his Father…
In John 14, Jesus is talking to the disciples about his relationship with the Heavenly Father and with the Holy Spirit. He tells them He is one with the Father. He encourages the disciples that they will be doing exactly what He has been doing on earth, too. Then he says, “I am in my Father, and you are in me, and I am in you.” What a picture! Jesus in the Father, me in Jesus and Jesus in me?! If I am really in Jesus, I can’t help but do the things He does! If I am really connected to and belong with Jesus, I will do the things He wants me to do!
And how do I stay connected to Jesus? By hanging out with Him, reading my Bible, going to church, serving Him and more. This same example is how we foster belonging in our families. If we want our children to “be in us” and to belong to our family, then we need to connect with them–love them, hang out with them, hear their words, serve them, with them and more. With each step we take towards belonging, we are strengthening that cord between our family members and we are making sure more of those, “our family just does” conversations happen.
How do you encourage belonging in your family?
Resources for You:
Have a New Kid By Friday {our week-long review and application of the book}
photo 1: losgrosfres
photo 2 : colemama
I love that – “we believe this” and “we do it this way” is a big thing we’re saying right now…. And making special memories and talking about them a lot helps with younger kids feel that sense of belonging to their family. We talk a lot about how much fun our family is, or how crazy we are – just to get them thinking about us as a family unit.
A very good post! I remember looking up to my parents and although I didn’t always listen (hello teenage years!), their words have always stayed in my heart. I hope to be a good example to my daughter and it’s becoming more and more clear each day how much she takes in what I do/say.