This morning Lydia began a new routine. She is to make her bed and clean her room before she comes down for breakfast. Today she stood at the top of the stairs to consult me about where to put a plastic bucket. It was a gift from a birthday party and it didn’t really fit anywhere. I gave her a few suggestions but she didn’t like any of them. She continued to whine because she wanted the bucket to go on her counter. I told her to put it in one of the places I suggested or I would put it away.
When she refused, I walked up the stairs and took the bucket. When she saw that I chose to put it in her closet (horrors!), she started screaming, “I DON’T WANT IT THERE!!” This escalated to wailing, stomping, throwing (just a blanket) and pushing (she pushed me). It was horrific. Kinda like a ballistic teenager. I was mortified.
In the midst of this turmoil, I told her that I was taking the bucket and then somehow I ended up deciding to take EVERYTHING out of her room. I put every single thing she owns in the hallway. The only thing left in her room is her bed (sans blanket), an empty bookshelf and a lamp.
Then I pulled out something Pa Ingalls taught me in On the Banks of Plum Creek. I explained that she is showing me that she cannot have self-control so from now on *I* will be doing her self-control. For the rest of the day, Lydia has only been able to do what I say. She sat at the table while I cooked. She did the dishes afterwards. She picked up my room while I washed the bathroom. She sat in the living room while Asa and I vacuumed (they call it “the vacuum game” and this was MAJOR punishment for her!). She had no bedtime story and is not allowed to move from any activity without asking me.
IT HAS BEEN HORRIBLE.
It’s more of a punishment for me than it is her. I mean, it’s working. She’s been obedient. But I’m about to go crazy. It’s hard being so…purposeful.
And there’s the rub. Is my daughter just responding to my loose standards? The tighter I become and the more strict I am with her schedule, the better she is. But is that too controlling?
Her behavior the last 2 weeks has been atrocious. I have suddenly felt like everything I’ve done for the past 4 years of her life is a sham. I am at a complete loss as to how to reach her. Which is why I emptied her room today. And why I’m making her do what I want every second of the day.
Depending on how she acts the rest of the day, we may do this again tomorrow. But where do we go from here? If she refuses to respond, what’s next?
Have you had to go to extremes in discipline?
empty room photo by tobo
Thank you for this honest post. I have struggled with discipline and my children, as well. Does the punishment fit the crime? What am I doing wrong to encourage the bad behavior in the first place? I’ve gone to extremes and had them backfire (my 4-year-old still refused to quit the bad behavior after all privileges were taken away), so I don’t know what to say to you. I guess it’s just encouraging to know discipline isn’t only a struggle for me. Let us know how tomorrow goes!
Ugh. Sorry, I don’t have any words of wisdom on this one – except I totally understand where you’re coming from!! I definitely agree that the more lax we are they more they are & I can see that flip side too that I don’t like being too incredibly structured b/c I think that can be harmful too – I can see that Evan doesn’t know how to control his feelings if something out of a specific routine sometimes doesn’t happen. *Sigh*
.-= [email protected]´s last blog ..Saturday stumbles =-.
I so struggle with discipline. I try to use a lot of natural consequences and tips from Grace Based Parenting but nothing is a one size fits all approach. I’m sure you’ll catch slack for your decision but don’t waver–do what is best for you and your family.
FYI–My parents did this to me when I was a teenager. It was called “being grounded to them.” I hated it. They did it twice. That was enough!
I can completely relate, especially when it comes to my strong-willed little girl who can be so sweet but if she doesn’t get her way, can turn into a terror in a minute! I’ve gone back and forth on being very controlling and disciplined and then being relaxed. It seems that as soon as we get comfortable in one spot, it’s time to tighten the reigns again. I guess it will be a constant struggle to find balance and to discipline in love with purpose. There’s no way to get around it…parenting is hard, purposeful parenting is even harder.
.-= Monica´s last blog ..33 Weeks and a Haircut =-.
Parenting IS hard! And confusing! “Experts” say be consistent, but how can we be consistent when each child is different and responds differently to discipline. Ugh. I guess I’m glad I didn’t have to take a test before becoming a mom, because I would have failed. (not that I feel like a failure, just that THIS IS HARD!)
Thanks for the honesty, Amanda. I’m glad to hear that my daughter isn’t the only strong willed child around. I’ve repented more in the last year than in all my years combined, I think. She keeps me guessing constantly!
.-= Heather @ Not a DIY Life´s last blog ..Mamavation Week #19 =-.
I, too, don’t have much for advice – sorry! 🙂 BUT like some of the PP’s stated – it’s encouraging to hear that other mothers aren’t perfect!! 🙂 Sometimes I feel parenting is a tight rope walk (and our DD is only 2!) and if I slip – that’s it! It’s over! But, I’m learning that that’s not the case. My dear hubby has said that as long as our children know that we TRULY love them (which I’m sure your daughter does! 🙂 that will “cover a multitude of sins”. I think as long as you are doing the best you can, it will be ok! 🙂
.-= Catie´s last blog ..Saturday Skinny =-.
Thank you so much for writing this!! My 3 1/2 year old daughter has gone through some rough spells lately, and it makes me question absolutely everything about how we are raising her. I don’t have any words of wisdom, but I’m reaching out to you in a virtual hug to tell you you’re not alone! Mothers of strong-willed children unite!!
.-= Jeni´s last blog ..To My Sweeties… =-.
Thank you for the honest look into your home. I have a daughter who can spin out of control like that and really get to the point that I have no idea what to do with her. She’s really verbal, so her mouth gets her in so much trouble, and she can’t stand to lose, so she always has to try to one-up me, even in punishments. (For example, I put her in time out and she says she deserves to have her hands crunched in the door. Can we say drama queen?).
I don’t have any advice of my own. I was so upset with my daughter last Sunday that I told her she had to think and come up with her own punishment. She told me that if she had a daughter that acted like that she would, “Tell her good job, buy her a brownie, and get her some free ice cream.”
I can’t wait to read other people’s responses–this comes at a good time for us!
Girl… What is WITH these 4 year olds? I so could’ve written this… except I would have never have thought to do what you did! I think it’s great. And I think sometimes the extremes in discipline are what speak to them the most – and it might take a couple of days (!!!), but when you add privileges back to her, hopefully it will go better.
I’m pretty behind in my Google Reader subscription, but somehow emptying out your child’s room including the blanket she threw at you and only allowing her to do something you specifically say sounds more like it comes from the “Mommie Dearest” school of parenting than the “purposeful parenting” that made me interested in reading your blog. What is this “extreme discipline” teaching your four year old?
.-= TLC´s last blog ..Rio Beach Tips =-.
I have a 21 month old and I can see this coming in our future. I am with you on the fact that sometimes you have to go to extremes to demonstrate to your children that you are serious about what they learn and how they act. It seems extreme but if it works and gets the point across that we have choices to make and when we don’t make right ones there ARE consequences.
As a mom those are hard moves to make because the follow through is the most important. But your children are always watching and pushing to see how far they can push.
I applaud you for trying something new. And being a disciplined mom. One day other mom’s on the playground/classroom/work force will thank you!
.-= Tricia (Once A Month Mom)´s last blog ..Buffalo Bleu Cheese Burgers =-.
Thanks for your amazing vulnerability! So many of us can relate.
I think there is a place for “extreme discipline”, but not if it’s happening every day all day. If it was the way you parented all the time, it would be unhealthy and create even worse behavior. But there are times when our kids need to be reminded of their boundaries, when we as parents need to lay down the law and practice a little zero tolerance to help them remember that rules are in fact rules. After it’s over comes the hard part – let our own feelings about the bad behavior stay in the past and get on with the day, letting the child know that they are valued and loved. Keep up the good work, and be prepared to offer grace as well as justice in the coming days.
I will be following this one closely for encouregment. My oldest (almost 13) had this done on more than one occasion in his preschool years and I can say that some kids require the ‘shock and awe’ approach every now and again. He lived to tell about it. ; ) It’s hard to be consistent. I stink at it! And I often wonder if the mess I’m in is my own making. Perfect parents? Not a one.
Totally been there.
I *am* there on a regular basis.
One encouraging thing I’ve realized after 3 kids is that when it gets REALLY bad, it’s usually just a phase. Your wonderful child will return in a matter of time. I just try to be consistent and wait it out.
And I get super frustrated along the way…
But it always encourages me that not one of my kids has every stayed in one of their tough phases. Lydia won’t either.
You’re a great mom…thanks for your honesty!
.-= Kat @ Inspiredtoaction.com´s last blog ..Summer of Purpose: Help Your Kids Set Goals (FREE chart) =-.
Wow, I’m pretty sure I never would have thought of doing that but I’m pretty sure I have a daughter who would react in the same way yours did. I’m interested to see how it all turns out since now I will think of this in the future. However, our girls share a room so it probably wouldn’t really work for us.
It’s encouraging to hear that others struggle with parenting preschoolers and encouraging to see that my daughter is not the only one who acts like she does.
I think that parenting children is HARD work.
I have a 3 and 4 yr old girls and they are both dramatic and can feed off one another.
I have had moments of extreme discipline, especially with my 3 yr old. I think it’s those moments that combine our frustration with them not obeying and being tired and weary. none of which is bad. I think sometimes it sets us all straight.
Purposeful parenting doesn’t always happen.
I pray for creativity. It’s amazing to me the things the Holy Spirit brings to mind. And this to me, was creativity.
Way to go mama! You are doing great.
.-= kate´s last blog ..idle time =-.
Okay, I’m approaching this age and stage so I tread lightly. I know you are familiar with Shepherding a Child’s Heart.
Have you talked to her about what’s going on in her heart? I know you were gone for a week. Is she still feeling insecure and confused about that? Of course, the bucket is just a manifestation of something going on in her heart.
I know asking a 4 yr old to tell you what’s in her heart is hard but getting to that may help the other.
Hmmm. I know there are children’s books about mom leaving for a bit maybe you could read one and discuss that way.
Again, I know I don’t know her or the whole story but I do want to offer words of encouragement to a mom who I know wants her Lydia to love God and honor Him with her heart soul and mind.
.-= Janna @ The Adventure of Motherhood´s last blog ..Praying to Discern and Develop Our Children’s Talents =-.
HUGS for you!! It is SOO hard. I am new to your blog so I’m not sure how old your daughter is but I’ve found there are simply some ages that we have gone through similar phases where NOTHING worked for weeks (sometimes months, sorry don’t mean to scare you) but then just as quickly as it came, it leaves. I hope things have begun to settle down as I know this post is a couple days old now, but I think if it were me as far as where to do from there, I’d ease back into privileges as they’re earned. If she listened the whole day I’d give her back some basic things, if the next days goes well some slightly more fun things but still not the “good” stuff etc. I’m horrible because I’d love to use a constitent point or level system but I’m horrible about keeping it up. So we’re more subjective and the lose privileges one at a time. Unless something horrible happens and we take all their toys (which we’ve done) then they have to earn them back little by little. currently we have taken away DS (video game) until further notice because of fighting. They still lose other privileges but until they are consistently better they will not get them back for awhile.
.-= Lisa´s last blog ..Things I Love Thursday, 5-13-10 =-.
In response to a question posed here: “what exactly is this ‘extreme discipline’ teaching?” I would say that it might teach gratitude. It might free a child from the burden of too many little responsibilities, and allow them to follow a leader they can trust, so that they learn to value what really matters over ‘things’. It might teach them some self-control, little by little, rather than having hundreds of things to order their life and behaviors around. /it may actually feel like a vacation from ‘stuff’- much like we feel when we purge and are left with the sweet simlicity of the few treasures we choose to keep. It might be exactly what a child wants…to be with their mom that they love, to add value by helping out in the home a bit, to being given clear, simple instructions that they can easily follow, to miss out on a few fun things like vacuuming to remind them thay cooperation with one another is a winning and rewarding choice, and did i mention that it might aid in the ability to be truly grateful?
Children and adults are often bogged down by all the doo-jiggies of life that have no lasting purpose or redeeming value…its enough to make us whine like Lydia, and even throw a thing or two.
amanda- perhaps your “extreme disciple” was burden- lifting and a relief to your little one, who is, after all, still little.
Perfect? God alone knows! could there be lessons in it- cetainly. Good ones? Absolutely.
This was so great to read. How brave of you to clear out her room. I soooo want to do this on many occasions but being lazy and thinking it wouldn’t matter to him stop me. Some kids to thrive on structure. Last year before my son started P-k I made a schedule and he loved it. I am working on one for the summer.
Here is my Blog post with our schedule last year.
http://helpimsurrounded.blogspot.com/2009/08/more-random-from-summer.html
.-= Shelly´s last blog ..Photo Friday =-.
We have found that our discipline and, in turn, our children’s behavior, is cyclical. We buckle down on the issues we feel are important (being honest, being obedient and being respectful are the top 3) and when our children begin to respond to our strict discipline, we seem to let up a little because they are being obedient/respectful/honest. Then, in a few days/weeks/months, their behavior begins to deteriorate and we find ourselves buckling down again. It is exhausting being strict all of the time, isn’t it? We are in a phase with our almost 6 year old right now. Like Lydia, her behavior has been atrocious for the last few weeks, lying, sneaking sweets, slamming doors, etc…so we are in a buckling down phase once again. Is there a happy medium?