Thanks for joining me in digging through Dr. Leman’s book, Have a New Kid by Friday. A few weeks ago I heard a radio interview of Dr. Leman discussing this book. I knew I had to read it so I checked it out of the library and read it in one day. This is my second time through the book—as I’m reading it with you. So, I’m no expert on his philosophies. I have just seen my attitude towards discipline change so dramatically that I had to share it with you. Plus, I want (and need) your insight and conversation about the nitty gritty of this book—of how it relates to our own families.
Ready to get started?
The first chapter is entitled “Where Did They All Come From?” Ha! I like it already! Doesn’t it feel that way? When Lydia was born one of the first things I said (maybe THE first thing) was “THAT did not just come out of me!” I was so shocked at how much of her own little person she was. It was romantic then. Now, it’s just frustrating!
Dr. Leman begins this section with a story. This story stuck with me so much I find myself thinking about it when interacting with Lydia and Asa. The story is about a preschooler who is disobedient and mouthy and yelling at his mom on the way home from preschool. When they arrive home the first thing he says is, “Mom, where are my milk and cookies? We always have milk and cookies after school.” She looks at him and says, “We’re not having cookies today.” Then she turns around and WALKS AWAY.
The little boy runs after her, “But Mommy! We always have cookies!” The mother replies, “I’m sorry. I don’t like how you were disrespecting Mommy in the car. We’re not having cookies.” Then she turns and WALKS AWAY. The little guy is distraught and runs after her apologizing. The mom quickly takes him in her arms, accepts his apology, kisses him and even does a little more teaching about respect. But here’s where it gets good–the little boy says, “Now can we have cookies?” And the mom replies with a very clear and sure, “No.”
This is THE perfect example of Dr. Leman’s parenting philosophy. It’s about using more actions, more consequences and less words. He believes (and after reading, I do too) that most parents “snowplow” the roads of life for their kids. They don’t want their kids to have any bumps, any hiccups, any pain in their life. So, they essentially pander to their children and let their child’s wishes and desires rule the roost.
I didn’t know how much I was straddling this line of serving my children and being ruled by my children. I’m a stay-at-home-mom, I want to serve my kids! I’ve given up the very idea of “me-time” for my children’s every waking second! But I fear I may have been doing this to my detriment AND theirs. I can see that pampered spoiled child pop out of my kids every once in awhile. I can see how they demand from me, expect me to do everything for them and complain or argue when I ask them to do something they don’t want. I have unwittingly snowplowed my kids’ daily lives. And if I don’t get it under control, they will be fully dependent on me while despising me at the same time.
Don’t believe me? That’s essentially what Dr. Leman writes in this chapter. He says that kids naturally believe, “I only count when people notice me or when other people are serving me. I only count when I dominate, control and win.” Isn’t that sobering? Oh, I don’t want my children to have that underlying feeling in their lives. And I don’t want to be around a person like that!
The dicotomy of this is that our kids act up because they want our attention. They are constantly pushing and manipulating to get what they want–us. They want our full attention, our full care, our full “snowplow” every step of the way. And they are willing to initiate a power struggle to do so.
I’ve just recently begun to notice this with Lydia. She wants her way so she acts out. And I always feel like, “Well, I need to get her to obey immediately. I need to shut her down. I need to make sure she realizes right this instant that she cannot say that to me.” So I argue or punish and it turns into a huge drama. Dr. Leman says to stay away from power struggles. In fact, he says you’ll never win in a power struggle. Never.
So, let’s bring this to some practicality. Here are a few examples from this first chapter:
1. A kid pitches a fit in the mall because he wants to go to McDonald’s.
2. Your 3 year old purposely knocks down your 18 month old.
3. Your teenager says something rude about the meal you cooked her for dinner.
Honestly, think about your response to these situations. I can tell you my natural response:
1. Drag him to the bathroom and spank him.
2. Hug the 18 month old and angrily look at the 3 year old, then order the 3 year old go to his room.
3. Retort sarcastically that they can make their own dinner next time. (And of course, not follow through on that.)
Wow. I seriously feel horrible even saying that’s what I’d do. But I would!
Here’s what Dr. Leman says to do:
1. Say, “We’re not going to McDonald’s”. Turn your back and walk away. Your child is not going to stay on that floor long. The reason they are pitching a fit is because THEY WANT YOUR ATTENTION. Kids say “Jump!” and they want you to say “How high?”. If you turn your back on a child in the mall, they’ll be on your tail within ten steps.
2. Call the 3 year old over to you and say, “Do you need some attention today? If you need a hug, all you have to do is say so. Just come on over and ask me for a hug. You don’t have to push your sister over to get it. That kind of behavior is not acceptable.” When you call your 3 year old out for acting out on purpose, their defense falls pretty quickly. You are essentially stopping a fight between you and your 3 year old. It may look like the fight was between the siblings but in fact, your 3 year old was picking a fight with YOU. Plus, you’ve given your child the ok to show their feelings in an appropriate way.
3. When your teenager says it’s time to go to her friend’s to study say, “We’re not going to your friend’s.” Turn your back and walk away. When she asks why say, “We’re not going because I don’t appreciate the way you talked to me.” By refusing to play taxi driver you are showing your daughter who is in charge. She will think twice about how she speaks to you the next time.
Do you see how all these situations are NOT about the situation–they are all about how your children view you as a parent. If they respect or disrespect you. If they honor or dishonor you. If they want to control you or obey you.
Dr. Leman breaks this down into three simple steps (reminds me of Oso!):
1. Say it once. Dr. Leman says, “If you want your child to take you seriously, say your words once. Only once. If you say it more than once, you’re implying, ‘I think you’re so stupid that you’re not going to get it the first time, so let me tell you again.'” Wow. That means no warnings. No warnings.
2. Turn your back. You aren’t turning your back to be mean, you are turning your back to show that the conversation is done and you expect your words to be obeyed.
3. Walk Away. Don’t be tempted to over-explain. Don’t get into the power struggle. Just do what you say.
When we do these three things we are giving our kids guidance and accountability. They get to see the consequences for their actions. It’s time we stop running after our kids trying to appease them. We have to step up and actually be a parent!
What do you think? Is that enough homework for Monday?
Let’s talk about it in our Community!
Well I’m accidentally following part of this plan! Recently I’ve had to practice the say very little & walk away. But unfortunately I’m not experiencing the same scenarios as “here’s what Dr. Lehman says to do”. I will definitely leave McDonald’s but he will NOT follow me (and I know that b/c we’ve done so!). And I will definitely ask him to “come here” when he pushes Megan and instead he runs off and hides in his room. *sigh* I need to go check this out so I can follow along. Thanks for this series though – I’m excited about it!
.-= mandi@itscome2this´s last blog ..Saturday stumbles =-.
It’s so hard, isn’t it? I’ve thought of a ton of instances where I felt like I did the right thing and the kids don’t respond. Wonder if it’s consistency that makes the difference?
Consistency is the key w/ everything (imo, anyways), so I’m sure it will … I guess it’s just so new to us still that we’re still in the consistency stage. {That & if I’m at McDonald’s & he doesn’t follow, I can’t just keep walking way – I eventually have to go get him, right;)}
.-= mandi@itscome2this´s last blog ..Saturday stumbles =-.
Great post! I’m so AWFUL at repeating myself. And I’ll even say ” I’m not going to say it again…” and then I do *sheepish grin*. My girls hardly ever do what I say the first time. I love Kevin Leman and I have read his books several times (although not this one) but I like how you narrowed it down. The walking away really hit home with me! I always stand there and wait expectantly for them to do what I said. I really need to learn to walk away. After yours and my little conversation on my blog about the whole parenting thing this post comes at a great time. I’m definitely doing better at purposeful parenting but have a long way to go. I want to implement the “saying it once” an walking away thing this week.
I feel like I lived in “If you do that again…so and so will happen.” for SO LONG. I knew it wasn’t working but didn’t know what else to do! This one little thing has helped cut down on arguing!
I’ve read this book and loved it too. The harsest part is consistancy. Not so great at that. This kind of stuff also goes along well with character training, teaching our kids to listen well, be obedient, and to pay attention to the words they use and their attitudes. Thanks for the inspiration to get right back on it and try again!
.-= jeana´s last blog ..Weekend Napping =-.
Ugh. Guilty of all of the above. And I really do think that part of the problem is that my kids don’t get my full attention throughout the day. Not that they shouldn’t have times when they don’t have to entertain themselves, but too many times I am giving them only half of me while I clean, cook or more likey, check email, twitter, etc. A little focused quality time goes a LONG way in the way the behave during the day.
So true—my kids are definitely more welll-behaved when I give them a little Mommy-time.
WOW. I am reading this book. TODAY. Those 3 examples? They have happened at my house. (Except that the teenager was in a 3yo body.) And my response was exactly what you said yours would be. I am SO fed up with the disrespect, the power struggles, the constant all-day whining and arguing. OY.
.-= Jeni´s last blog ..TTT- Things I Wish I Had in my Fridge =-.
*sigh* I could have written your comment. Glad we’re doing this together! 🙂
I have been having the power struggles with my 4 year old lately! You couldn’t have picked a better time to do this as I’m looking for a good flow with a 9yo daughter, 4 & 3 yo boys & 5 day old baby girl in the house! Thank you!
My MIL always says that it takes two to argue. My oldest is really good at dragging me into a battle. Walking away has worked with both of mine. As soon as I am out of their view they come running.
I struggle with making my oldest help around the house. And repeating myself way too much. Another thing my MIL started with my oldest: He would act like he didn’t know how to do something. So, she called him out. She says, I know you are very smart. Don’t act like you aren’t
Good luck to us all
.-= Shelly´s last blog ..Photo Friday – Fun =-.
I love that–letting the kid take responsibility for his words. You have a wise MIL!
I really like how he said that if you repeat yourself it sends the message that you do not think that they are smart enough to understand what you are saying. That hit home with me – when I repeat myself OVER and OVER I really am telling my kids that I do not expect them to actually obey because they cannot.
We are on vacation this week – I am hoping that I will be able to apply these principles here with all the family around.
I’m SO glad you’re doing this series! I have gotten trapped in the nagging and repeating and yelling and warning and threatening cycle of it all with Annalyn. And it’s killing us both. (And Mark, too, because he’s just as bad as I am!)
.-= Mary @ Giving Up on Perfect´s last blog ..Location- location- location- Its not just for real estate =-.
Wanted to be able to do this with you but I’m still waiting for the book to become available at the library. I’ve tried the reaction in example #1 with my 3 year old and anytime I say “we’re not going then” it gets worse, she flips out and throws a tantrum it’s never that easy for me to where she just asks “WHY” or changes her behavior right away, maybe I’m not doing it right?
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