In that time between wakefulness and asleep, I have dreams. Or thoughts. Or half-dreams, half-thoughts. I tend to remember strange things about my past. Weird regrets. Or dumb things I said as a kid. Sometimes I have crazy dreams about people I haven’t seen in decades. (Yes, I’m old enough to say decades.)
It happened to me today. I was only partially awake and remembering something stupid I did a few years ago. And now here I am fully awake and I can’t shake that dumb regret. I was in the shower this morning talking to myself, “Amanda! Stop. Do not let your heart and mind go there. Think on the things that are lovely.”
But whenever I gave that thought even a tiny backward glance, it would jump out in full force again, taking over my mind. Covering over the here and now, the important, the present.
Why do I let myself dwell on past failures and old regrets? Why would I choose to live in the past when I have all this–THIS–here now? It’s a battle for me. To let my mind be fully awake. My heart fully awake.
I don’t want to be half-asleep. I don’t want my mind dreaming, categorizing and sifting through old pieces of my broken, human self. I want to be awake with eyes wide open looking at the future and the hope God has for me.