In that time between wakefulness and asleep, I have dreams. Or thoughts. Or half-dreams, half-thoughts. I tend to remember strange things about my past. Weird regrets. Or dumb things I said as a kid. Sometimes I have crazy dreams about people I haven’t seen in decades. (Yes, I’m old enough to say decades.)
It happened to me today. I was only partially awake and remembering something stupid I did a few years ago. And now here I am fully awake and I can’t shake that dumb regret. I was in the shower this morning talking to myself, “Amanda! Stop. Do not let your heart and mind go there. Think on the things that are lovely.”
But whenever I gave that thought even a tiny backward glance, it would jump out in full force again, taking over my mind. Covering over the here and now, the important, the present.
Why do I let myself dwell on past failures and old regrets? Why would I choose to live in the past when I have all this–THIS–here now? It’s a battle for me. To let my mind be fully awake. My heart fully awake.
I don’t want to be half-asleep. I don’t want my mind dreaming, categorizing and sifting through old pieces of my broken, human self. I want to be awake with eyes wide open looking at the future and the hope God has for me.
so first off, I’m SO GLAD I found your blog! I love it. I love how it looks, how you write, and how you love JESUS!
I loved what you said at the end!
don’t want to be half-asleep. I don’t want my mind dreaming, categorizing and sifting through old pieces of my broken, human self.
Pondering this! SO true!
Love,
Traci @ Ordinary Inspirations
http://ordinaryinspirations.blogspot.com/2012/01/awake.html
PS: oh, i’m adding you to my blog list and following you on fb now!
Yay! You are awesome! Looks like I made a new friend today! 🙂
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I really hate that partially-awake state – too many weird “true to life” dreams. I would much rather be fully awake and live in reality!
I so get this, Amanda. I allow those thoughts to push back in, and you’re right that when we do that, we are not fully awake to Him. Great five minute post.
I thought I was the only one this happened to! It’s comforting to know I am not. The regrets I feel can stay with me for days before I can shake them. Thanks so much for this- I needed to hear it.
I needed it, too. I needed to write about it to get it out. I know it’s ridiculous to get worked up about a memory or whatever. But UGH, it really gets to you sometimes. I’m glad this was the topic today b/c it was perfect!
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There are certain moments in my life that are so vivid and so horrible I dream them and re-live them and can never seem to figure out why my subconscious is out to get me… Thank goodness it only happens now and then. May we all conquer our demons! Best of luck!
Oh holy squee, this happens to me all. the. time. And I spend the whole of the next day living in this half-world of what-ifs, if-thens, and what-the-hecks.
My whole life I’ve struggled to be fully awake (read: in the here and now. bloom where you’re planted type stuff), and the lack of sleep brought on by wee ones around the house only serves to maginfy that. Yes, please God, let me be fully awake!!
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