:: Don’t forget, I’m going to be on the Focus on the Family webcast, “Concoctions to Connect Kids To Faith” at 2pm ET today!::
Welcome to Wednesday! It’s the 3rd day of our look at Have a New Kid by Friday by Dr. Kevin Leman. I’ve really enjoyed rehashing the book with you. Please feel free to leave a comment on this post or start a conversation in our forum. I know its helpful to talk about specifics when it comes to parenting philosophies!
Today’s chapter is entitled, “Show Me a Mean Teacher, and I’ll Show You a Good One (It’s All in the Perspective)” Maybe title is the wrong word–maybe byline is more appropriate! Anyway, this is the chapter that really got to me. It’s helped me focus and understand (or at least try to) my parenting and philosophy.
The whole idea here is that time is short. People tell you this before you have kids. You nod your head. But wow, you don’t feel it until your you have kids. The days may be long but the years are in hyper-speed! We need to take a long-view of our kids’ lives. We need to understand that what we are doing TODAY is affecting their TOMORROW. I’ve always heard it said, “They way they act at 3 is the way they’ll act at 13.” Oh. My.
Dr. Leman gives several scenarios of kids of all ages who are doing bad things–stuff any parent does not want their child involved in. Then he interviews the parents to see if they can put their finger on why it happened. And they all say it had to do with when the kid was little. How they as parents ignored behaviors which led to their children’s bad choices today. The parents were taking the blame.
This is not to say it’s all you and your child’s choices don’t matter. No, the point is kids NEED parents. They need a strong parent that can give them direction and an encouraging appropriate relationship. See, kids want to please their parents. Kids want their parents’ love. You watch TV and you can see that sitcoms, dramas and movies always end up being about what a character’s parent did, or how the parents didn’t love them, or how the character felt unwanted by their parents. Kids want parents.
But what kind of parent are you? Dr. Leman puts parents into 3 categories:
1. Permissive Parent
I have to admit this is the parent I’d turn my nose up at. This is the parent I desperately did NOT want to be. Sadly, I see myself in many of these descriptions:
- is a slave to the child
- places the priority on the child, not on his or her spouse.
- Robs the child of self-respect and self-esteem by doing things for her that the child can do for herself
- Provides the child with the “Disneyland” experience makes things as easy as possible–does homework for the child, answers for her, and so on.
- Invites rebellion with inconsistent parenting
Those are exact quotes from the book because they were so good I couldn’t change a word of it. Does this sound like you? Or maybe you’re on the other extreme:
2. Authoritarian Parent
- makes all the decisions for the child.
- Uses reward and punishment to control the child’s behavior
- Sees himself as better than the child
- Runs the home with an iron hand; grants little freedom to the child
Sadly, I fall into both of these categories. I am permissive and coddling in so many areas, then when the going gets tough I pull out my iron fist. No wonder my children don’t know how to behave!
Dr. Leman’s third category is the one I want to fall under. This is the category he is teaching in this book.
3. Authoritative Parent
- Gives the child choices and formulates guidelines with him.
- Provides the child with decision-making opportunities
- Develops consistent, loving discipline
- Holds the child accountable
- Let’s reality by the teacher, conveys respect, self-worth, and love to the child and therefore enhances the child’s self-esteem
Doesn’t that sound better? And more freeing? And less stressful? And the kicker to all of this is that Dr. Leman says permissive parenting and authoritarian parenting always leads to rebellion. When I read this I got sick to my stomach. I could see my children rebelling because of my lack of understanding and ability to parent.
What’s an example of these 3 parents?
Let’s say your child doesn’t want to eat what you fixed for dinner. The permissive parent would hop right up and make a new meal for the child. The authoritarian would make the kid sit at the table until the meal was finished. The authoritative parent would simply explain, “I know [this isn’t] your favorite, but that’s what I made for dinner tonight. If you want to make yourself something afterward, that’s fine. But thanks for sitting with us at dinner anyway. Dinner as a family is important.”
This has been so huge for me. Like I said, I had no idea that I was an authoritarian parent at heart that slipped into the permissive parent by day. It’s completely disheartening. This has made me look at every interaction–not just bad behavior or disrespect from my kids. It’s made me examine how we schedule our day, how we do “chores” and how I talk to them. It’s made me realize that parenting is not just about discipline. It’s not just about righting wrong thoughts or actions. Parenting is leading children through every step of their growing life.
That’s why Dr. Leman says it’s important to have a real connection with your child. They need to have a real relationship with you. One that is firmly grounded in love and acceptance. Instead of performance and submission. Which is why parenting is so much about ME and not about them. It’s about MY actions toward my kids. Who knew?! When I was a new mom, I had no idea my heart and mind and will would go through so much change!
One of my favorite suggestions by Dr. Leman to nurture a relationship is to “slip your child a commercial”. That means to talk them up in front of others. It’s similar to my How To Make Sure Your Kids Turn Out Right post from last week. Tell someone (in your child’s earshot) how proud you are of your child and can’t wait to see what they do with their life. Let your kids hear that you are thinking of them and proud of them–not just when they obey or have good grades. Encourage them in front of others so they know you love them unconditionally.
The final encouragement from Dr. Leman is what to do if you are one of the extremes in parenting…and don’t want to be. If you are an authoritarian parent, “work on giving your child age-appropriate choices.” Let them grow up and be independent without you clamping down on them. And its important to follow through–let them fail.
If you are a permissive parent you are going to have to move away from trying to make your kid happy-happy-happy all the time and start standing up as their PARENT and not their FRIEND.
To sum up this chapter in a series of questions for you to ask yourself:
1. What kid of parenting style do you have?
2. How does your child respond to this parenting style?
3. How can you adapt your parenting style to be more balanced?
4. In what ways can you emphasize relationship in your home?
Asking these questions will open up new insight into your motives and understanding of parenting. And will hopefully enable you to parent in a better and more full way.
So, what kind of parent are you?
PS: I want to make a little disclaimer. I am going over this book as a participant and a parent who is super-excited about doing better for God and my kids. I have quoted Dr. Leman extensively and am not trying to teach any of this as my own words. I strongly encourage you to buy Have a New Kid by Friday and read it as a parenting manual. I am only touching on the parts that have worked for me. There are tons of great ideas and better explanations and tips on everything I’ve mentioned.
Here are some more great Dr. Leman resources:
- Dr. Kevin Leman on Facebook {his updates crack me up! and hit home, too.}
- Dr. Kevin Leman LIVE! Straight Talk on Parenting{this is an in-home dvd–I think it would perfect for a small group!}
- Making Children Mind without Losing Yoursby Kevin Leman {read this one, too!}
- Dr. Leman’s website
Anna says
I’ve known a bunch of people that have read this book, but never got around to reading it myself. I’m going to now! With my oldest, 5, I feel like we are in a desperate situation with her behaviour and it needs to change, I appreciate you quickly going through this book and highlighiting it so I can start on some of the principles right away.
Vanderbilt Wife says
Once again, I find some of this difficult to implement with a YOUNG toddler–but starting now is definitely the answer. Today Libbie and I were in a store and I told her to go get her baby doll, which she’d left on a shelf. (I did tell her more than once–BABY MOMMY!) She would not go get it, so I got it and put it in my purse.
When she asked for baby later, I told her no, I did not like how she disrespected me and she could have it when we got home.
I know she probably doesn’t “get” all of that but I hope it’s establishing a pattern.
The Happiest Toddler on the Block says for toddlers, you can “gossip” about their good deeds with their dolls and toys. Libbie loves that and I really do think it’s effective.
.-= Vanderbilt Wife´s last blog ..Chore Planners and Homemade Cleaners- Works for Me Wednesday =-.
Vanderbilt Wife says
I meant BAD mommy, not baby mommy. Blame the baby brain.
.-= Vanderbilt Wife´s last blog ..Chore Planners and Homemade Cleaners- Works for Me Wednesday =-.
Leigh says
Amanda – I didn’t get to listen to you online! How did it go?!?
I read this chapter last night, and I’m with you – I fall into both the permissive and authoritarian styles – more authoritarian than anything, though. And I definitely tend to react rather than respond. This was good for me to read!