Last night my husband and I got into a fight. It was a pretty good one in that we both ended up rolling over in bed and going to sleep with our backs to each other. I may have even muttered, “UNBELIEVABLE.” before I turned out the light. Nothing like a good fight before you go to sleep, huh?
In fact, I don’t think I slept very well last night because of it. Anyway, early this morning (like 5:25am, when Asa woke) I was laying in bed wondering if my husband was awake and recalling last night’s mean words. I wanted to make up. I wanted to say something nice but I couldn’t. I kept thinking, “It was MORE his fault!” Then I remembered something our pastor shared a few weeks ago.
He used to do counseling–marriage and whatever else came his way. He said he was terrible at it because he’s not very…empathetic. (His words, not mine.) So usually when a woman would be going on and on about how horrible her husband was behaving, he’d hand her a piece of paper and say, “Draw a pie chart with two pieces—one piece to show how much of this chaos is your husband’s fault. And the other piece to show how much is your fault.” He said every single time the charts ended up looking like this:
And although this may be completely accurate (as I’m sure it was last night!), there’s still a portion that is MY FAULT. And really, this is the only piece of the pie I can do anything about. Is reminding my husband he’s at fault going to help him? Nagging him? Telling him I’m NOT at fault? Nope. It’s only going to add to the mess.
So, I finally decided to suck it up and roll to the middle. I backed myself into his arms and said, “Sorry about last night.” He said, “It’s ok.” And it was over. Just like that. Forgotten? Probably not. Still need to be talked about? Maybe. Forgiven? Totally.
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{ 15 comments… read them below or add one }
I am so glad you posted this. I have had this on my heart for quite a while now. I have tried very hard since the first of the year to change that piece of the pie that I’m capable of changing, and I can say that my husband and I have both felt better ever since. I can’t always let it go, and I have a tendency to say, “Why can’t HE be the one to apologize just to end the fight once in a while?” but I’m trying to change that. I want to help myself remember that our fights truly are over small things, and just getting over it will be the best thing I can do in the long run. It’s not an easy change to make in your personality, so I am glad to see there are others out there who are struggling to make these changes, too!
Twitter: zannaland
February 25, 2010 at 12:21 pm
I absolutely love this post. Thank you for sharing it with the world. I have felt this way so very many times and as much as I am not a Dr. Phil fan, every time we argue, his words of “Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?” always echo in my mind.
We end up the same way, usually – one of us will do or say something that makes the other laugh and we’re never mad for longer than 10 minutes, but it’s still something that needs reminding. Thank you. ♥
.-= Zanna @ Zannaland´s last blog ..Wordless Wednesday: My Magic Disney Flower =-.
Twitter: brandiofbham
February 25, 2010 at 12:21 pm
What a great way to look at it. I get so caught up in whose fault it is (read: HIS) that I forget my portion (however SMALL).
Thanks for wonderful illustration. I’ll be needing to reference it from time to time!
Twitter: darbym
February 25, 2010 at 1:09 pm
good words!
Wow – this is so good to see! I think maybe even applying it to other friendships is also good. It takes two to tango, right? I guess it really is in how we manage our actions post-fight.
{PS, Hurry up May already!!!}
Now if we could just get them to work on their slice! lol! Just kidding! Good post, good reminder! I find that my slice is usually bigger the next day anyway!
.-= LoveFeast Table´s last blog ..Ooey, Gooey Cinnamon Roll Recipe =-.
Roll to the Middle! Love it!
Twitter: DiaperDiaries
February 25, 2010 at 6:11 pm
I suck at this. Suck. The hubby is ALWAYS the one to apologize first even when my piece of the pie is much bigger. Pride, pride and more pride. Ugh.
You didn’t say this, but what you’re talking about and what you displayed to your husband was humility. It’s something that’s been rolling around in my head for the past couple months…..
I’ve recently had to work on my anger toward my husband when a certain situation came up. I fumed ALL day while he was at work and could only foresee it getting worse when he came home if I didn’t do the right thing. And the right thing for me to do was to be humble toward my husband regardless of how ‘right’ I was. In the end I did what he had asked me to do and I decided to not revisit any of the things spoken of that morning, and the situation was diffused and he even thanked me for doing what he had asked me to do. Now, none of that would have happened if I had stuck to my guns and held out for him to come to my understand that i was right. And in that is a picture of Christ in marriage…..how He waits for me with such patience and love as doesn’t beat me about the head until I understand how right He is and how wrong I am.
Ok, I’m done. I’m stepping off my soap box/pulpit now.
Twitter: girlymamamel
February 25, 2010 at 10:16 pm
that is soo true. why is it so hard for us to swallow our pride and be the first to say ‘i’m sorry’?
Twitter: Alli_n_Son
February 25, 2010 at 11:59 pm
Great advice. I try to keep that in mind too, when I’m mad at my hubby or when I’m in a mood where I’m just looking to start a fight. Helps keep things in perspective. Sometimes.
Twitter: Funkidivagirl
February 26, 2010 at 8:04 pm
Great advice…that I don’t take myself too often, although I know it is the right thing to do.
.-= Funkidivagirl´s last blog ..Cooking Groovy: Ooh Lala Crepes =-.
Twitter: sadiewindham
February 27, 2010 at 11:45 pm
What a great post. I am always right. Right? And if I’m right, I don’t have to be the first to say sorry. Right? It’s a hard thing to realize I’m not always right, and frankly my pie piece is a lot bigger than I think.
.-= Sarah´s last blog ..Want to hear something crazy? Our new house doesn’t have a dishwasher. =-.
So right!! Thx for posting this entry… as I’m reminded of something I was reading recently (can’t remember where) that we can only be responsible for our part & move forward from there.
.-= Heather´s last blog ..God… Who Are You? Part 3 =-.
Twitter: longwait4bella
March 1, 2010 at 2:06 am
This actually sounds like my latest Living Intentionally post.
I can sooooo relate. Thanks for posting. Now , I know that I am “normal”. (Yep, a normal sinner.) Blessings!